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hi__dorkwad
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Name: Samantha
Birthday: 12/14/1989
Gender: Female
Interests: Books, yes i love to read.R&B and rockLinkin` Park and Sum 41. I love to cook and watch scary movies or sappy movies, if they dont make you cry or scream or laugh then whats the point?I like to make other people happy, even though im feeling down. I love making new friends, so you can IM me if you want. I like to stay up late and talk to my friends, like louise, my twin sister and i LOVE her.Talking on the phone, Playing video games and talking on AIM. I Love the rain, and i love winter, even though it`s cold. I like falling asleep on the floor and then waking up in my bed in the morning, i like roller coasters and little kiddies. Frosted Flakes and Lucky Charms. Chocolate. Gum. TV. The beach, Sunset. the night sky. Stars. Trees. Water fights, Halloween.My bbbff Tiffany, I love you.:D
Expertise: Laughing, Crying, Falling down. Getting up, totally sucking at the things I think I`m good at and being great at the things I think I suck at. Making mistakes, taking a long time to fix them.Thinking about the future, Thinking more about the past. Never being able to forgive myself, even though i have already been forgiven. Holding on to things or friends that are gone. Listening to other peoples problems, and then doing all i can to help them solve them, even if that means i don`t get the chance to solve my own. My friends are more important then i will ever be. but most importantly, Being ME.
Occupation: Student
Message: message meEmail: email me
AIM:  I L0ve u MuNkEy
Member Since:
12/29/2003
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| Three days.
Three days and I still don't know where you are. Is this punishment for being honest? For being right? And how long do you expect me to wait for you to stop being angry or whatever it is you are. How long? How much longer are you going to put me through this bullshit? You know At first I thought that it was ohkay to think that it was my own fault and feel bad for it but it isn't my fault. I didn't do anything wrong and you know it. And that is exactly why you're doing this to me. Because you hate it that I'm write and you're wrong. You can't handle it. What do you want me to do give up? so that you can be happy and i can lie to myself and force myself to love you? I don't want to force myself to love anyone. I love you. That was my choice. You promised i would never feel like it was the wrong choice to make. Well guess what? You're doing it. You're making me think that I would be better off not loving you. But i guess it sucks to be me doesn't it? Because I can't not love you. I don't know how. Does that make you happy? That I would rather make my life shit and be with you than make my life the greatest life ever and be without you? That's how much I love you. And yeah. Maybe that's bad. But I can't change it. Maybe you just can't accept it. That I love you so much that I just want you there all the time. But you don't want to be there. And I can't make you want to be there. I wish I could talk to you. I wish you would just call me so that I could just hear you. I miss you, babe. I'm sorry. I wish you could read this right now and know how much I miss you. What has wishing ever done for me..
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| It's happening again. I'm losing him. Why am I always losing a him? It's different this time though, I don't want to lose this one. I love this one. Like really really love this one. Maybe it's just that I constantly lose what I love and so I shouldn't love anymore because then I will just have nothing. Or maybe I am just too stubborn to realize what exactly it is that I am doing. Because if i would just give up, give in. I could have it all still and nothing would be lost. But then would I be happy? at all? If I just gave up. Didn't say what I felt the need to say anymore just let everyone have their way. I don't know. That's the easiest thing to do and I can't even do it. Why the fuck do I have to be so difficult.
And you. Can't you see? All I want is you. Ever since I met you all I've wanted was you. I don't care what you do and I don't care if you want me or not because I want you. I can't make you want me but I want you. So bad. I don't think that I've ever wanted anyone as much as I want you. No I take that back. I don't think I've ever needed anyone as much as I need you. I'm sorry that sometimes I miss you too much,and I'm sorry that sometimes i need you areound too much but I can't help it. I need you. You make me feel better and I like that feeling. Like I can do whatever I want to do. I can get wherever I want to get and be whoever I want to be. i haven't felt like this in a long. long time. so I'm sorry if I try to hard to keep myself feeling like this. I know that you're never going to read this either I wish you would. Just so you could really understand what's in my head. Because I'm so afraid that I'm going to just wake up one day and yuo're just going to be gone' Forever. and I don't want you to be gone forever. I want you here forever. Please don't you leave me here without anyone. You promised me. I promised you. I meant it. I know we don't always get along because I'm so stupid sometimes but I mean, I don't want to lose you over it. and if i have to give in to keep you then fuck, I'll give in if that's what it takes. Because without you I don't know what I would do. I can't think about anyone the same way I think about you. Even if I try to. It's like, you're it. Just you. I don't want to have messed things up. Why is it that I always mess things up. I'm so increadibly stupid. And you're probably just having fun with your friends I know but I wouldn't be freaking out if the last thing I heard wasn't you hanging up on me. I can't even type anymore because im crying and i can't see the kepys. i's like youre my world. and without you what do i have? where do i go? who do i love?..
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| Wow. it's been a while hasn't it? I haven't been here since December. It's getting to December again pretty fast. I'm turning 18 this year, can you believe it?
Anyways though you guys. I think I'm messing up. I think I need to just be satisfied with my life as it is. Accept that people lie sometimes, to make me happy or more content. But what's the point in that? What relationships were ever built upon lies? I know that I shouldn't get upset about it like I do, but i just think it's stupid. It's like, if you tell me you can tell me anything, then that's a lie to, because you tell me lies.
Over the past year of my life. I've been really scared, honestly. I haven't really told anyone that, but I have been really, really scared. Like I can sit here and all I can think about is eventually losing someone or something. There's been a lot of death lately. It get's closer and closer to home. Aunts, uncles, cousins, family friends. You just never really know anymore, all of it is so unexpected. I've been to the doctor a lot lately. Too much in my opinion, I don't like going to the doctor to begin with. Had a surgery, don't want to go into details. If I told you then it's because I felt like you should know. If you don't know, then obviously you don't need to know about it.
I want to grow more. Inside I mean. I want to be a stronger person, more independent. I don't want to really really need to depend on anyone to help me get through things anymore. I thought I was there a few months ago, but then I just slipped back again. I'm not saying it's a bad thing, development is hard, but it kind of sucked. Feeling like you can do anything on your own is a great feeling to have and when you love it it's not great anymore therefore it sucks.
In terms of friends, I don't know anymore. I'm glad that I'm going back to my roots, if you know what I mean.My friends that I seem to somehow always get away from, but every time I go back they are still there. Still the same as when I left them. They never make me feel like I'm supposed to go away. Or like I don't belong. I spent a lot of time with a group of people who I came to discover were not, in fact, my friends. At all. I would sit and wonder why I felt like I didn't belong there and then one day it hit me. It was because I didn't. Because I missed my actual friends. You guys are what I love the best, because you are never gone. And I'm sorry that sometimes I am. Forgive me?
But that's not what I'm messing up. I think I'm losing him. Slowly. I don't want that. But I don't know how to make it stop. I guess I can't. I mean. Between all the I love you's and whatever. I can just feel it. Like somethings different, And I can't make it the same again. I don't know. I just don't know anymore.
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| So I feel retarded.
I put myself out there.
And I'm giving you everything that I have to give you.
And I feel like you are taking advantage of that.
I feel almost invisble lately and I don't like it.
It's getting tough to deal.
You know, I said I loved you.
And I mean it.
But sitting here writting this, I'm wondering if you really mean it too.
Or if you just said it because you wanted to say it to someone.
Because you wanted to see if you could feel it if you said it and maybe you don't.
Maybe now you're thinking this was wrong.
And I'm hoping that isn't it.
Because I love you more than I've ever loved any other boy in my entire life.
And it took me a while to realize that.
I don't want anyone else.
Not ever.
But I can't help it if you choose someone else over me.
Or you decide that skating and painting are more worthwhile.
I'm not going to sit alone forever.
I can't.
It's getting colder.
I need you with me. Not just there when you feel like it.
I need to know that you're going to be there when I'm stuck.
When I feel like there is nothing left.
But right now, I feel like I am nothing.
I hate it, honestly.
The fact that I give you the power to make me feel however you want to make me feel.
And this is how you decide to use it.
I can't sit there alone anymore.
Either you be there with me or I'll be gone eventually.
I'm tired.
I'm sick.
I'm drained.
If you love me, then love me.
If you don't, then let me know.
I'm here.
But I can't just be alone.
I can't.
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| Ohkay so. Past three weeks of my life. Absoulte, no doubt in my mind, best three weeks of my life in a long ass time.
I'm really happy right now. Not even kidding. Nothing can mess this up. Not even me, and I can mess up a whole lot of things. But this is great. I'm kind of upset that I made a couple people sad. But I can't really do anything about that, so tough luck for me right. Anyways.
Alex, is the greatest guy I know. I'm so glad that for once in my life, I stopped being afraid to take a chance and say hi first.
Anyways. I miss everyone. Happy early birthday to Tiffany.
Expect cake or something.
Because it's coming.
I love you.
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